I don't know about you, but I'm physically incapable of logging off the internet on my own, no matter how much I need a break. So I recognize that this would put me out of a job, but I fully agree with this tweet:
All the internet should be is Wikipedia. You should be able to look up who was the 9th president or what spiderwebs are made of and that’s it. Everything else on here is unseemly.
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) October 25, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
Turns out, marriage *is* hard. My husband just cooked a lasagna for 70 minutes in an oven that wasn’t on.
— Carissa is in Barbie Mode (@CarissasNewLife) October 24, 2023
Regularly haunted by my own hubris - tried to set my bf up on a playdate with my coworkers husband because they both “really like bikes.” Anyways, it turns out her husband was in the Tour De France
— C. E. Aubin (@ceaubin) October 25, 2023
Oh my god I needed this laugh. This is all a rejected candidate emailed me in response to a form rejection email. I'm trying to decide if I respond earnestly or not. pic.twitter.com/oq7h8eet4U
— Manic Pixie Dream Taco (@QueenofTacos) October 24, 2023
The vet called my 7 yr old dog a “senior” today which is impossible because she’s just a baby?? like… she & i discuss it often abt how she is just a tiny little baby … ??
— Amanda Brooke Perrin (@brookeperrin) October 24, 2023
(gaslighting my gen Z girlfriend) noo babe I wasn’t flirting with her… (remembering a tik tok she sent me) you probably just don’t understand social interactions because you’re undiagnosed autistic
— April Clark (@autogynefiles) October 22, 2023
Being in Italy has made me realize that I cannot tell the difference between people speaking Italian and people making fun of speaking Italian
— Kenice Mobley (@kenicemobley) October 25, 2023
Medieval documentaries: these were impenetrably dark times of abject poverty and misery. And the knights? a mercenary ruling classMedieval literature: I am so down bad for this fair maiden of nobler birth that I want to kill myself. I wish my horse would crush my skull
— email@example.com (@mcmansionhell) October 24, 2023
i almost went home with this guy tonight but he started to keep smelling my hair and my neck over and over and like making weird sounds so i left. guys will drink and start acting like dracula ,
— laura 🦠 (@ecto_fun) October 22, 2023
The CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister in Sweden.He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
— mariana Z (@mariana057) October 23, 2023
I been crying laughing for an hour man. My homeboy rents his car out to ppl on Turo, and somebody rented his Camaro from him for 4 days right? They tinted his windows yall LMFAOOOOOO brought his shit back with tinted windows WHY 😭 pic.twitter.com/X9Mb8Pg0yc
— wiz fajita (@trillary_banks_) October 23, 2023
In the category of “shopping is definitely getting worse” the furniture company that I bought my new chair from emails me upwards of three and four times a day to remind me to…buy the chair I just bought
— Night of the Living Thread 🧵 (@ambernoelle) October 24, 2023
always a fine line between being stoned enough to think a movie is really good and being stoned enough that you can’t stop thinking about how you’re just watching real people pretend to be other people for money
— mar (@itsmariannnna) October 20, 2023
I got my eyebrows waxed and when she was done the esthetician said “I tried to make them even” and like… yes? I hope so?
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) October 25, 2023
All right then, keep your secrets pic.twitter.com/IwCuF1TIj4
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 24, 2023
If you give a guy an opportunity to show you a YouTube video, he’s gonna want to show you 27 more YouTube videos to go with it.
— Brittnay Johnston (@britthorsenoise) October 23, 2023
i was pushing my baby out and i asked th doctor like “do he have hair, can you see hair” mannn that lady gone say “yea we see a lot of hair just not his” 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 now THAT was embarrassing 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💀
— lilbitdarch🥺 (@damndarch) October 25, 2023
Remote work is so unserious like why am I at a coffee shop in a meeting about tiktok strategy for my bidet job while my friend across the table gives a presentation about her experience driving the Wienermobile
— maggie m (@margomollo) October 20, 2023
Just sold this candle to an elderly woman who immediately asked for scissors,clipped the wick off, then giggled her way out of the store 😂 pic.twitter.com/ZGtkHj7m9q
— Katie (@_ugh_whatnow) October 23, 2023
when someone is talking about “protecting their peace” you know they are the absolute most chaotic person alive
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 25, 2023
Hey, are you mad me? You're not? Phew ok, well then I'm sorry if you weren't mad at me before, but then when I asked "are you mad at me" now you ARE mad at me for asking, or if none of that happened, but now ur mad at me because I said all this? *stumbles off a cliff on purpose*
— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) October 20, 2023
gotta dress for this movie like I'm boarding a Southwest Flight pic.twitter.com/a2cVWBYtPb
— Claire (@clairecdowns) October 22, 2023
dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”
— Daisy Chandley (@daisychandley) October 22, 2023
Hurry! You will only have these 2 weeks to wear jackets that do nothing
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) October 22, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
...or the funniest tweets by women in September!