Allison Holker Boss, professional dancer and widow of the late Stephen “tWitch” Boss, says she’s struggled to make sense of her husband’s death in her first major interview about it.
“No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn’t want people to know,” the 35-year-old dancer and mother told People magazine in her first interview since he died last December at 40. “He just wanted to be everyone’s Superman and protector.”
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Published on Tuesday, Holker Boss opened up about the impact of the dancer, fellow So You Think You Can Dance contestant and Ellen DeGeneres Show DJ’s death by suicide, sharing the “complex” emotions — sorrow, disappointment, love and anger — she’s experienced in the months since.
“It’s been really hard because I can’t understand what was happening in that moment [he died],” she said, adding that there was a night where she spoke to him under the stars and addressed those conflicting emotions.
“Stars are so important to me because that’s where we believe he is. I knew I wanted to have him find peace,” she said. “I was under the stars by myself and I told him, ‘I forgive you, and I hope you’re with us.’ Talking to him and expressing all those emotions of forgiveness and sadness but also love and joy was so healing.”
That forgiveness is part of the process of her still wanting to remember him in a positive light. “Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was,” she continued. “He was such a family man, and there’s so much of his love in this house. He brought so much love to this world. He did it with so much joy, and he was so cool when he did it, too. I want my kids to know that.”
In the first few weeks following Boss’ passing, Holker Boss — who is the mother of their two children and one child from a previous relationship — said the trauma of his sudden death took a physical toll. “You’re trying to help yourself and help your children and friends and family,” she said. “Literally getting up in the morning was getting harder and harder.”
During that time, she started “cold-plunging at night” to help her body release tension. “It’s now a part of my daily practice,” she explained. “Spiritually and mentally, it’s really helped as well.”
Holker Boss also shared that she has yet to dance again since her husband’s passing. “Dancing with him was so special,” she said, “I haven’t danced yet. That’s gonna be a big step for me, but I know that I’ll get there. He’s guiding me on this path.”
Since tWitch’s passing, Holker Boss also said people have reached out to her to share how her late husband’s death affected them.
“I’ve had so many people — specifically men — reaching out to me, [saying] how they were so affected because they didn’t realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing,” she told the magazine. “I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments.”
“I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine,” she added. “But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids.”
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