I always had an aversion to dating men. At 28, I finally realized I'm a lesbian after reading the viral Lesbian Masterdoc online.
Raised in a conservative home, I never knew why I had an aversion to dating men.
When I discovered the Lesbian Masterdoc, it helped me realize I'm a lesbian.
I found other women who share my experience and have also processed it using the Masterdoc.
I was 28 when I realized I didn't want to kiss men anymore.
But when I started having these realizations, I was seriously confused. I had thought my whole life I was attracted to men — even though I couldn't seem to get past a third date. Once things started to heat up or he seemed too into me, I had an unexplainable urge to run away.
Here I was, almost three decades into life, and everything I thought I knew about my attractions and sexuality was in question.
As I tried to figure out what I was feeling and what it all meant, I dealt with some serious imposter syndrome. I thought I couldn't possibly be a lesbian because of my past "attraction" to men and the fact I'd never consciously been into a girl.
Everything changed when I fell down the rabbit hole of lesbian TikTok and found the Lesbian Masterdoc.
I've always had a difficult time dating men
Growing up, I was raised in a conservative home. While my parents never forced me to find a boyfriend, heteronormativity was the expectation. Heterosexuality was all around me. I believed that if I were to fall in love, it had to be with a man.
But I had an aversion to most boys — something most of my friends didn't experience. For example, when the class cutie started to show interest in me, my "crush" on him took a sharp 180-degree turn, and I suddenly found myself wanting to be as far away from him as possible. All the other girls didn't understand why I wasn't reveling in the attention of such a "heartthrob." Neither did I.
When I got older and started dating men, the problems only got worse and more confusing. Whenever I had a crush on a guy or felt attracted to him, I would instantly lose interest when he reciprocated those feelings.
Eventually, I swore off marriage, deciding I never wanted to marry because I felt so confused about men.
When I found the Lesbian Masterdoc on TikTok, all of my experiences and feelings started to make sense.
The Lesbian Masterdoc has been referred to as a 'crystal ball' for women questioning their sexuality
In 2021, videos about the Lesbian Masterdoc started going viral on TikTok.
Angeli Luz wrote the 31-page document when she was a teenager and questioning her sexuality. She posted the doc, called "Am I a Lesbian?," anonymously on Tumblr in 2018. It has several sections on topics like "What is compulsory heterosexuality?" and "But I like fictional men/male celebrities."
"I realized I loved women when I was a teenager, but I never quite knew if my attraction for men was real or a social construct I took in as a facet of my identity," Luz told Vice in 2020. "I started researching compulsory heterosexuality and found that many lesbians had the same experiences I did. I created the document as a tool of self-reflection for myself and others."
Since posting it on Tumblr, the Lesbian Masterdoc has helped countless women come out — myself included.
For me, the doc helped me understand why I was almost 30 and now finally coming to terms with my interest in women
When I finally read the doc, I was drawn to the section about compulsory heterosexuality, a theory first introduced by the queer writer Adrienne Rich in 1980. In short, Rich advanced the notion that society forces heterosexuality on us from birth. Compulsory heterosexuality affects all genders, but especially women.
"Women are taught from a very early age that making men happy is our job," the doc reads. "We're supposed to be pretty for men, we're supposed to change the way we talk so men will take us more seriously, we're supposed to want a man's love more than anything else."
My mind was blown.
I suddenly remembered my 4th birthday when all the adults joked that my future husband would be my preschool pal Connor. It made sense to me why I had some attraction to men but didn't want to actually date them.
At 30, I was finally comfortable enough to call myself a lesbian.
Thanks to the doc, I've found a community of queer women who have had similar experiences
Since coming out, I learned everyone is different. Many of my queer friends knew at an early age that they were attracted to the same gender. For them, the Lesbian Masterdoc hasn't been as helpful. They don't have to work through past experiences of heterosexual dating.
But for me — and so many other women — the doc's thorough explanation of the effects of compulsory heterosexuality brought me much-needed clarity.
Until I discovered the Lesbian Masterdoc, I was not only unsure if I could claim the term "lesbian" to describe myself, but I also felt alone in my self-doubt. Thanks to the Lesbian Masterdoc, I had answers to some lifelong questions.
I guess it's better late than never.
Read the original article on Insider