Yahoo Movies A cringe-inducing history of footballers on the silver screen
Football works well on screen. From coming-of-age heartwarmer Jimmy Grimble to gritty biopic The Damned United, the highs and lows of one of the world’s most dramatic sports have made for good cinematic fodder. It’s just a shame the same can’t be said of the footballers themselves.
This week, David Beckham is in cinemas playing the role of Trigger (no, not that one) in Guy Ritchie’s latest blockbuster, Arthur: Legend of the Sword. His performance as one of King Vortigern's grumpy guards has failed to wow the critics. Here's The Telegraph's own Robbie Collin: "The sword-pulling scene itself – a pivotal moment in the legend, probably worth taking seriously – is sabotaged from within by a David Beckham cameo that goes on for line after forehead-slapping line, and saps the moment of its mythic excitement
Could it be that his talent for scoring goals from the halfway line and curling in free kicks doesn’t necessarily translate to an ability to master Stanislavskian acting techniques as part of a filmic portrayal of an aggrieved Arthurian henchman? Far be it for us to say – but what we do know is that ol' Golden Balls isn't the first footballer to make a cringe-worthy appearance on the big screen, as this motley crew proves ...
Stan Collymore in Basic Instinct 2
Stan Collymore needs no introduction - and nor do Sharon Stone and Basic Instinct. That they all came together in a largely derided sequel to the 1992 erotic thriller seems like a daft dare gone wrong.
Collymore features for about a third of a second in this turkey of a trailer - but that's still a third of a second too long.
Cringe rating: 3 stars
Ian Wright in Gun of the Black
Aside from the obvious fact that “Whoever possessed this beer... could rule the world” is the single greatest line of dialogue ever documented on celluloid, there’s not too much of note to say about Gun of the Black except (and this is a very large footnote indeed), the fact that top scoring Arsenal legend and glasses-wearing football pundit Ian Wright is in it.
"Ian Wright, Wright, Wright," they used to sing on the Highbury terraces. Alas, our hero was more wrong, wrong, wrong for a part in this dark thriller about murder and bloodshed. Still, we shouldn't write off Wrighty's emotional clout completely - here he is being moved to tears when reunited with his old mentor and teacher Mr. Pigden. Sweet.
Cringe rating: 2 stars
Alan Shearer in Goal!
From one pundit to another. 2005's poorly received Goal! was chock-a-block with footballing cameos. Zidane, Beckham, Ronaldo and Gerrard are all in there, but it's Alan Shearer's brief appearance that really sticks in the mind (and throat). Despite only featuring for ten or so seconds, Shearer managed to come across as smug on the big screen as in the Match of the Day studio. Frightening.
Cringe rating: 3 stars
Eric Cantona in Mookie
Footballing legend Eric Cantona, here, dressed like he’s about to whip out some balloon animal making skills at your 3-year old nephew’s birthday party, when in actual fact he’s stuck in the middle of nowhere talking French to a burping monkey. What’s not to love?
Cringe rating: 3 stars
Vinnie Jones in Eurotrip
A veteran to the silver screen, footballing hard man Vinnie Jones has featured in hits such as Snatch and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Suffice to say that none of his scenes from American cult movie Eurotrip are publishable due to their sheer foul mouthery (click here at your peril) – but Vinnie's turn as the father of all Manchester United hooligans was actually ... OK. Typecast, sure, but definitely passable.
Bonus points for opening two bottles of beer using his head. We just hope he doesn’t do his own stunts…
Cringe Rating: 2 stars
Ally McCoist: A Shot at Glory
Back when Ally McCoist momentarily rivalled Sean Connery as Scotland's Most Famous Man, the Scottish striker swapped centre forward for centre stage in millennial snooze-fest A Shot at Glory. McCoist's turn is surprisingly sharp, but the same can't be said of his big name co-stars. Robert Duvall's Scottish accent sees him roll apparently random syllables, while Michael Keaton looks largely (and rightly) disinterested.
Pele in Escape to Victory
Perhaps the best appearance of a footballer on film was Pele’s turn in Escape To Victory, a film about allied prisoners of war who play a football match against a team of footballers. Pele’s overhead kick is legendary – but it’s difficult to say if it’s acted, per se. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Michael Owen in an advert for Spey Whiskey
I’m going to do the bulk of legwork for you here and say you can skip straight on through the video to 1 minute and 12 seconds to the dénoument of the thing, the moment Owen delivers his killer line: “Shh. Keep the secret.”
Now, strictly this isn’t a Hollywood venture, but since it is Michael Owen saying “shh, keep the secret” straight to camera, we're going to make an exception.
Essentially, the concept is simple: Owen stars as the relaxed, quintessential English gent as he day drinks whiskey by the barrel, gradually becoming more and more inebriated until he ends up saying something as cringe-worthy as “shh, keep the secret” in total earnestness to the camera.
Oh Mikey.
Cringe Rating: 5 stars
