Golden Globes 2015: All The Best Jokes

Ben Arnold
·Contributor
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Borderline Cosby gags aside, the Golden Globes is known for being the irreverent answer to the often excessively po-faced Oscars.

Ricky Gervais’s tenure upped the ante somewhat – he hosted the awards three times in all – with Amy Poehler and Tina Fey taking up the slack since.

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As such, the pairing took the lion’s share of the best gags at last night’s awards-giving.

Here are just a few of the best…

On the show:

Tina Fey: “Good evening, good evening and welcome you bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally talented brats.”

Tina Fey: “Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows we know and love, as well as all the movies that North Korea was OK with.”

On the movies:

Amy Poehler: “’The Theory of Everything’, wonderful movie this year. It combines the two things that audiences love: A crippling nerve disease and super complicated math.”

Tina Fey: “’Selma.’ In the 1960s, thousands of black people from all over America came together with one common goal: To form Sly and the Family Stone. But the movie ‘Selma’ is about the American civil rights movement that totally worked and now everything’s fine.”

Tina Fey: “Tyler Perry was so good in ‘Gone Girl’ that he has actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called ‘Girl, I Thought You Were Gone’.”

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Amy Poehler: “Patricia Arquette is here, so wonderful. So, so wonderful in the film ‘Boyhood.’ ‘Boyhood’ proves that there are still great roles for women over 40, as long as you get them when you’re under 40.”

Tina Fey: “Steve Carell’s ‘Foxcatcher’ look took two hours to put on including his hairstyling and makeup. Just for comparison, it took me three hours today to prepare for my role as ‘human woman’.”

Amy Poehler: “The biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony released ‘The Interview’, forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it.”

Amy: “Jennifer Aniston is here tonight, nominated for the film ‘Cake.’ We should explain to all of the Hollywood people in the room, cake is like a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthdays.”
Tina: “Birthdays are a thing that people celebrate when they admit that they have aged.”

On the guests:

Tina Fey: “Christoph Waltz and Amy Adams are here, they were so great in ‘Big Eyes’.”
Amy: “And in fact, one of those famous Big Eye paintings is on display tonight [cut to Emma Stone].”

Amy Poehler: “It’s cute, but it’s creepy.”

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Amy Poehler: “Wes Anderson is here tonight for ‘The Grand Budapest Hotel’. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts.”

Amy Poehler: “Steve Carell is here tonight for ‘Foxcatcher.’ In ‘Foxcatcher’ Steve Carell plays a paranoid, murderous billionaire. The role was a stretch for Carell, who in real life is a paranoid, murderous millionaire.”

Tina Fey: “George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip, so tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

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And the jokes that weren’t by Poehler and Fey:

Margaret Cho (as a North Korean general): “In North Korea we know how to put on a show. This is not a show. You no have thousands of babies playing guitar at the same time…. Also, I think ‘Orange is the New Black’ should be in Drama category. Is funny but not ha-ha funny.”

Ricky Gervais: “If we’ve learned one thing, it’s that famous people are above the law. As it should be. So I’m not gonna talk about all the terrible things you’ve done to get here tonight. Streep and Clooney. I’m not even looking at Katie Holmes.”

Bill Hader: “Who could forget that famous line from ‘Titanic’ where the boat’s sinking and Leonardo DiCaprio’s like, ‘Guys guys guy guys GUYS, relaaaaax’.”

Lily Tomlin: “Don’t you remember that day on the set I picked up an old rotary phone and said one day you and I will do a show on something like this?”
Jane Fonda: “Oh you’re right. I thought you were just high that day.”
Lily: “Well, two things can be true.”

Image credits: AP/Reuters/Zap2it/PA

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