Dumb movie cliches that never happen in real life

The movies make everything look so glamorous, but in reality, we quickly find out that Hollywood gloss has ruined even the most basic social interactions.

These are the things that the movie says are real, but the sad fact is these clichés just don’t work…

Phone calls

In the movies: The hero finishes his telephone conversation and abruptly hangs up the receiver without saying goodbye.

In real life: You exchanged pleasantries at the start of that phone call and you’ve got all the information you needed: the where, the when and the why. You figure you’ll try and pull a Daniel Craig, dispassionately hanging up and moving on. Feels good: time saver! Time to get ready I gue- oop, wait, phone’s ringing. It’s… ugh, it’s the person you were just talking to. Hello? No, I didn’t get cut off. No, I just didn’t feel like saying goodbye. No, it’s not something you did, it’s just… Okay, okay. “Goodbye”. Sorry mum. God, no wonder Daniel Craig doesn’t want to play James Bond any more if this is what he has to put up with.

One-liners

In the movies: The hero (or villain) takes advantage of the briefest of moments to deliver an devastatingly well-timed and contextual one-liner.

In real life: You’re in the office. Sheila from Accounts is giving you aggro about leaving your dirty coffee cup in the kitchen. She looks at you accusingly. Time for one of those acid-tipped put-downs you see so much in the movies. Think, brain, think. Think think think. Stupid… Sheila. You deliver exactly zero witty put-downs, and Sheila wanders off the victor, leaving you staring silently at your hands. Three months later, you wake up in the middle of the night, having finally come up with the perfect response. Shame Sheila doesn’t work there any more.

Hacking

In the movies: Fingers move faster than lightning, two hands clacking away on the keyboard at a fearsome speed… and they’re in! Let the hacking begin!

In real life: Don’t any hackers ever have to move the mouse? Like, even a little bit? Even with an above-average grasp of keyboard shortcuts and hot keys, even the hardiest hacker must have to occasionally put one hand on his Optical Mouse and go to his Desktop to double-click something. While we’re on the same subject, hacking is not nearly as visual as it’s made out to be in the movies – rarely are there large rotating geometric shapes on the screen, symbolising a “cutting-edge security system”.

Crime labs

In the movies: A sample is passed to the moody and mysterious Crime Lab, where incredibly attractive people hold test tubes up to harsh white lights and pout.

In real life: They have the lights turned on. Not halfway. All the way. You know why? Because working in near darkness, lit only by mood-enhancing spotlights, is actually a terrible idea when it’s your job to find crucial evidence that could take the form of impossibly small details hiding in all sorts of nooks and crannies. It might help the cast of CSI to work in an environment lit with 20-watt bulbs, but in real life all the lab technicians would develop facial tics from squinting all day.

Starting your car

In the movies: Damn it, the engine won’t start! Turn the key. Again. Again! Dammit! I shall bash the steering wheel in rage because- hey, it worked! Let’s go!

In real-life: Sorry mate, your car is boned. You left your lights on overnight and drained your battery, and no amount of punching your steering wheel or headbutting your dashboard is going to make it start, I don’t care how many car chases you have to be in. The earliest I can get your car to start is a week on Tuesday, because it’s going to need a team of at least three mechanics to stand around kicking the tyres before I get around to ordering the single small part I need to fix it. It’s going to cost you £400 and by the way, the terrorists you are supposed to be chasing just detonated their nuclear weapon, so now it’s going to cost you £500.

Eating

In the movies: No one ever eats anything. Even when they’ve specifically gone somewhere to eat something.

In real life: What happens when you typically meet a friend in a restaurant? The same that happens to everyone: you chat while you wait for your food, then when it arrives, there’s a designated acceptable period where both parties temporarily halt conversation while each person slowly crams food into their gullets. Topics of conversation in this time period that are deemed acceptable are “How is yours?” and “This is really tasty.” Every time two movie characters stare each other down over a hot meal, utterly failing to consume their food, you just sit there muttering “Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding” until one of them just gets up and walks out without even paying. Infuriating.

Dating

In the movies: That girl who keeps on rejecting your advances will eventually be yours if you continue to act recklessly: she just needs to know how serious your love is!

In real life: Dude: chill. YOU’RE FREAKING HER OUT. Movies have taught us that women need to be won over by huge and potentially dangerous romantic gestures, like Ryan Gosling hanging from a Ferris Wheel in ‘The Notebook’. The evolution of this behaviour is surely waving a gun in her face, screaming “Love me! LOVE ME!” Consider this. Do you have a job? Do you have a roof over your head? Are you unlikely to engage in any peculiar or potentially harmful behaviour in the pursuit of a relationship? If the answer to all of these questions is ‘Yes’, you are already more qualified to be someone’s partner than any love-seeking maniac from the movies.

Whispering

In the movies: Need to whisper something to someone but want to keep it a secret? All you need to do is reduce the volume of your voice by, say, 10%.

In real life: The monotony of everyday conversations is something Hollywood doesn’t care if it gets right. For example, no movie characters ever mishear someone, then mishear them repeating the same thing, then just nervously nod and smile and hope they can get away with not knowing what the hell they’re talking about. Obviously whispering in movies still needs to be loud enough for audiences to hear it, but there’s always a hilarious bowing of the head by about five degrees that instantly renders the conversation secret. Also if you want to discuss top secret plans with someone, we wouldn’t recommend doing it in a public coffee shop or restaurant. Just because you’re in a booth doesn’t mean the guy behind you eating waffles isn’t also earwigging you.

Shooting things

In the movies: Shooting something destroys it forever. Nothing can stop the awesome power of bullets!

In real life: Yeah, guns are dangerous, and we wouldn’t recommend firing bullets into anything you want to a) keep, or b) keep alive. But Hollywood seems to think that shooting something means that thing is COMPLETELY DESTROYED. Exhibit A: Shooting a car will most likely not lead to it exploding, although it will lead to you getting arrested. Exhibit B: Shooting a lock will definitely, definitely not break that lock. Exhibit C: Shooting a computer monitor does not actually destroy the contents of that computer, it just means that person has to replace their monitor. The only thing a gun will definitely destroy is your wrist if you insist on holding it sideways like in the movies.

Fighting

In the movies: Punch after punch! Hit after hit! People gather round you in a circle, chanting! It’s like a game of chess, but with roundhouse kicks!

In real life: You don’t have to have been in a fight to know that scraps in real life are very much not like fights in the movies. There’s a lot more hair-pulling and nail-clawing for one thing, and way more drunken swearing and grunting and headlocks. If even one decent punch lands, chances are that’ll be that and the fight will be over: not many people are open to the idea of being repeatedly punched in the face. What’s more, the crowd who have assembled around you won’t cheer your name or hoist you on their shoulders – they hate your guts and have already shopped you to the local police.

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