The best 'not safe for kids' Christmas movies... and their freakiest moments

Christmas isn’t all ho ho hos, mince pies and presents under the tree – there’s a dark side to the festive season that many movies like to indulge in.

These 10 Christmas movies are not for kids…

‘Bad Santa’ (2003) / ‘Bad Santa 2’ (2016)

This Santa doesn’t care if you’re naughty or nice, he only cares that he’s horny and that’s the holiday way. Billy Bob made for the most unsuitable mall Santa ever in Terry Zwigoff’s original foul-mouthed 2003 comedy, and Willie returns after a 13-year absence in this month’s belated sequel, badder and ballsier than ever. All he wants in his stocking is a woman’s leg, preferably attached to the rest of a woman’s body. Ho ho ho indeed.

Most kid unfriendly moment: A post-anal sex boast to his partner about how she “ain’t gonna s**t right for a week!”

‘Krampus’ (2015)

There’s always been an element of threat to Father Christmas. You’d better not pout. You’d better not cry. He knows when you’ve been naughty and nice. He’s coming to town. The whole festive season is one big veiled threat of violence.

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Horror comedy ‘Krampus’ manifests that fear of Christmas into a gnarly horned beast – a demonic spirit also known as “the shadow of Saint Nicholas” – who punishes people who lose their Christmas spirit. Together with a demonic jack-in-the-box called der Klown and three evil gingerbread men, Lumpy, Dumpy and Clumpy, Krampus puts the “Christ!” back into Christmas.

Most kid unfriendly moment: Der Klown swallows a little girl whole in the attic. That’ll teach you to look for hidden presents.

‘Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale’ (2010)

Saint Nick has been in better nick than in this Finnish take on the festive season, as reindeer wranglers in Lapland uncover something very, very un-merry trapped in the ice. It turns out Santas need to be trained into the mall-friendly, Coca-Cola-style happy Santas we know and love – when caught in the wild, they’re old and twisted and extremely murdery. Oh, and they just love to eat reindeer meat. This definitely isn’t one to watch with the little ‘uns on Christmas Eve.

Most kid unfriendly moment: We’re not sure what’d be worse: finding out Santa Claus isn’t real, or finding out he’s real but actually a crazed ice-dwelling demon from Scandinavia.

‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ (1984)

It’s tradition that absolutely every notable holiday in the United States must one day form the basis for a slasher movie, and Christmas was no exception. This horror movie from director Charles E Seller Jr betrays the trust that everyone has in Father Christmas by having the serial killer don a Santa outfit, thereby making the familiar red and white costume a thing of dread. The genius poster shows said Santa climbing down your chimney with an axe in one hand – have you been good boys and girls?

Most kid unfriendly moment: A criminal wearing a Santa outfit shoots a little boy’s dad and slits his mum’s throat in front of him. Merry Christmas!

‘Don’t Open Till Christmas’ (1984)

Santas are the victims in this trashy eighties shlock-horror-cum-murder-mystery, about a serial killer who is offing jolly old men with beards. The image of Saint Nick takes a real pounding here: we see a Santa stabbed to death, see a Santa have a spear thrown through his head, witness one Santa get shot in the mouth – one Santa even gets castrated in a department store bathroom. That’s the kind of stuff that’ll mess up a youngster for life and set them on a road to… well, becoming a serial Santa murderer, probably.

Most kid unfriendly moment: The movie starts with a man in a Santa suit having sex with a woman in a car, which just raises too many questions.

‘Black Christmas’ (1974)

Skip straight past the neutered 2006 remake and opt straight for the 1974 original, a horror film which more than its fair share of disturbing imagery; as the tagline says: “If this movie doesn’t make your skin crawl, it’s on too tight!” One of the earliest slasher movies, ‘Black Christmas’ set up many of the tropes we’re now familiar with – the murderer hiding somewhere in the house, the sorority girls, the twisted back-stories and more.

Most kid unfriendly moment: A girl is suffocated to death by plastic wrapping. Do not try this at home.

‘Jack Frost’ (1997)

Not to be confused with ‘Jack Frost’ (1988), a movie in which Michael Keaton’s family man dies then comes back to life as a snowman – a film which is equally horrible but for different reasons – this cheesy 1997 horror comedy sees a serial killer undergo an accidental genetic mutation with a pile of snow and subsequently go on a killing spree of all the men who wronged him. If you still want to watch it after reading that synopsis, you deserve everything you get.

Most kid unfriendly moment: Your kid’s face after the first murder should be your first clue that the DVD you put inside the machine was not the Michael Keaton version.

‘Christmas Evil’ (1980)

This cult favourite – formerly known as ‘Terror in Toyland’ and ‘You’d Better Watch Out’ – is beloved by trash director John Waters and for good reason, for the film is camp to the power of kitsch. It tells the story of a “schmuck” who becomes convinced he is Santa Claus and who goes on a murderous rampage, killing all of those he believes go against the spirit of Christmas. You never know what demonic smile hides behind that iconic beard…

Most kid unfriendly moment: Psychopath Harry murders three prep kids with an axe while dressed as Kris Kringle. That’s a scar for life right there.

‘Santa’s Slay’ (2005)

Bad things happen when you combine the worlds of Christmas and professional wrestling – the last time this was attempted, we ended up with Hulk Hogan’s family comedy ‘Santa With Muscles’. In 2005, the experiment was attempted again, this time casting wrestler Goldberg as Santa Claus, who in this version of the story, was the result of a virgin birth produced by Satan, making him in the Anti-Christ. ‘Santa With Muscles’ it is not.

Most kid unfriendly moment: Santa rides his sleigh, powered by “hell-deer”. Not so cute any more, are they?

‘Elves’ (1989)

If you like your Christmas movies to have more neo-Nazi overtones, then Elves is the horrendous Christmas movie for you. It posits a world in which the humble Christmas Elf – traditionally portrayed as a hard and diligent worker – is actually the result of Hitler’s experimentation to create a half-human/half-elf hybrid. Like Oompa-Loompas run mad, the elves attempt to ensure their race’s survival by any means necessary. Nasty buggers.

Most kid unfriendly moment: A little boy is stabbed in the neck with a sharpened candy cane, and an old man is strangled by tinsel. Ho ho ho!

‘To All A Good Night’ (1980)

This proto-slasher features an unhealthy amount of stabbing – way more than you’d find in your Home Alones and your Christmas Carols, for example. Another horror flick about a serial killer dressed as Santa (they were ten a-penny in the 80s, apparently), ‘To All A Goodnight’ sees six girls stay at their Finishing School over the holidays, where a Santa-clad murdered aims to finish them off once and for all. Honestly, it’s enough to make you barricade yourself in your own home until December 26th.

Most kid unfriendly moment: There are precious few ironic Christmas deaths, but seeing someone get their head chopped off with an axe ranks pretty low on the ‘Christmassy’ scale.

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