Who should play Patrick Bateman in the new American Psycho?

Earlier this week it was announced that Luca Guadagnino was in final negotiations to direct a new adaptation of American Psycho, instantly igniting an online discourse that refused to die down.

Inevitably, the bulk of the discourse was overwhelmingly negative. Some corners of the internet were upset that Guadagnino had the opportunity to direct The Shards – another, newer, Bret Easton Ellis book – but instead chose to work over old ground. Many seemed to be the “But it’s already perfect” camp, citing both Mary Harron’s impeccable 2000 adaptation and the lukewarm reception doled out to Guadagnino’s weirdly austere Suspiria remake.

But let’s ignore that and concentrate on the fun stuff. A new American Psycho movie means a new Patrick Bateman, so let’s only focus on the portion of the discourse that only wants to fan-cast him. Because, really, who wouldn’t want to play Bateman? This is one of literature’s most appealing monsters, vain and shallow and status-obsessed yet boiling with rage. Done right, this could be career-defining stuff. There could be Oscars in it.

Related: Luca Guadagnino to direct new take on Bret Easton Ellis’s American Psycho

Already actors are starting to line up for the role. Just a few days ago Cooper Koch, most recently of Netflix’s Menendez brothers show, was openly angling for the job, telling the Hollywood Reporter: “Luca’s doing American Psycho, so I think I can do Patrick Bateman, don’t you think? Right?” Which is not only needy, but runs the risk of typecasting. You can’t just vault straight from a Menendez to a Bateman without dramatically narrowing how the industry sees you. So let’s ignore that too, and instead rank some of the other casting options hurled out by the internet.

Glen Powell

For a certain type of fan, this is the most obvious choice. After all, Christian Bale openly modelled his Patrick Bateman on Tom Cruise, and at this point in time Glen Powell seems to be modelling his entire life on Tom Cruise, so it seems like a perfect fit. Or at least it would be if Guadagnino was going to direct a like-for-like remake of Harron’s film. But that would be redundant, and he’ll want to move on from that portrayal, so for that reason Powell is out.

Glenn Howerton

A world exists where Guadagnino wouldn’t even need to hire Howerton for the role, because the raw materials already exist for him to piece Patrick Bateman together from old clips of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Howerton has spent close to 20 years honing his Bateman impersonation to a fine point. His Sunny character is impossibly vain and juddering with barely contained fury. He is literally an American psycho. In an ideal world, Howerton would be a lock. However, at 48, he is unfortunately at least a decade and a half too old for the role.

Aubrey Plaza

Of course, all this is under the assumption that Guadagnino’s American Psycho will be faithful to the source material. But we cannot rule out the possibility that he wants to pull a Ghostbusters 2016 and flip the lead character’s gender. This would be risky – not least because the film would almost certainly be review-bombed out of existence by the worst people in the world – unless he chose to follow the path of least resistance. You want someone to play a psychopath, and have fun doing it? You want someone so talented that she was even able to come out of Megalopolis unscathed? Then your Patrick Bateman is staring your right in the face. Aubrey Plaza, step forward.

Timothée Chalamet

But let’s be sensible for a moment. You want a movie star. You want someone relatively young. You want someone who is classically handsome, and yet undoubtedly sinister. You want someone, ideally, who has repeatedly worked with Luca Guadagnino before. Honestly, how is Timothée Chalamet not cast for this already? Look at the simmering megalomania he demonstrated in Dune 2. Look at the worrying ease in which he captivated female audiences in Little Women. Look at the feeling in your stomach that tells you he only agreed to star in the saccharine Wonka because he wants to go full hermit dictator in the sequel. Timothée Chalamet would be a great Patrick Bateman. But would he be the best Patrick Bateman, or is there one other figure who fits the bill even better? A figure whose own history aligns better with that of Bateman’s? A figure whose presence alone is enough to bring audiences out in fits of involuntary revulsion? A figure who needs this like you wouldn’t believe?

Armie Hammer

No, you’re right, that’s too far. Chalamet it is.