Most pointless remakes currently in development

Sam Ashurst
Contributor

News that a Clueless reboot is currently being developed – which itself was inspired by Emma (which has its own remake on the way) – dropped today, and people have probably been pretty chilled about it.

*checks Twitter*


Oh, okay. Even Final Destination star Devon Sawa jumped into the fray.


Still, a Clueless reboot could work – teen culture has actually changed just a tiny bit since the ‘90s, so taking that premise and putting it into the modern world could actually create a pretty unique take.

And there are far more pressing reboot battles to fight – just take a look at these actual projects currently in production.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)

Let’s face it, we didn’t all love Ace Ventura because of the amazing premise, or the brilliant script, we loved it because of the unstoppable charisma of Jim Carrey, who contorted his rubber-face to deliver average lines so memorably that stuff as simple as ‘All-righty then!’ became household catchphrases.

So forgive us if we’re not pulling on our Hawaiian shirts and releasing our parrots for their cages with joy at the news that someone else is going to have the unenviable task of replacing him.

Memento (2000)

OKAY, OKAY – WHAT?

AMBI Group really are working on Christopher Nolan’s uniquely intelligent narrative brain twister… without Christopher Nolan, which sounds like a great idea (if you’ll allow us to reboot Wayne’s World for a moment)… NOT.

“We are working on a special project around that,” producer Andrea Iervolino remarked. “It is very private. It is not really a remake. But is something similar.”

Guy Pearce isn’t exactly pleased about the situation. “You would never attempt to cover a Radiohead song. I don’t think covering ‘Memento‘ is a great idea, unless you do the USD 200 million Tom Cruise version and you set it in a whole futuristic world. But there was something about Chris’ unique quality that will be hard to supersede.”

We completely agree!

An American Werewolf In London (1981)

There’s only thing worse than a remake of John Landis’ An American Werewolf In London, and that’s a remake of An American Werewolf In London by John Landis’ son, Max Landis.

Landis has directed a film before, 2015’s Me Him Her (50% on Rotten Tomatoes), but he’s probably best known as a writer – he wrote Chronicle (which was amazing) and Victor Frankenstein, American Ultra, Bright and Mr Right (which were not) and he was notoriously rumoured to be the inspiration for Zack Snyder’s take on Lex Luthor.

None of which makes him especially suited for taking charge of one of the greatest horror comedies ever made, does it?

Don’t Look Now (1973)

We’re going to let the star of the original horror classic take this one, as he says it better than we ever could.

“Don’t embarrass yourselves by making it. Don’t embarrass yourselves by participating in it. It’s bullshit,” said Donald Sutherland, who starred alongside Julie Christie in the film about a couple dealing with the accidental death of their young daughter. “It was a piece of work indelibly written by Nicolas Roeg. It’s about a family. It’s about death; about having a child pre-decease you. It’s about love. It’s about extra-sensory perception.”

“Why do they do it? It’s just people wanting profit, trying to profit off the back of Nicolas Roeg, and something that’s very beautiful. It’s shameful. They should be ashamed of themselves.”

Jacob’s Ladder (1990)

 

So, this new version of the existential horror masterpiece will be written by the man who brought you the When A Stranger Calls and The Hitcher remakes (yaaaaay) and it’s going to be one of those reboots that use a classic film’s title to sell tickets to a movie that’s only vaguely connected to the original.

The plan’s apparently to ‘contemporise the story with new situations and characters but still maintain a story that examines issues and poses existential questions.’

Yeah man, if there’s one thing we remember about Jacob’s Ladder is the way it ‘examined issues.’ Can’t wait to see you guys examining all those issues.

Here’s an issue to examine, if you’re writing a story with new situations and characters, why not go the whole way and come up with a new title, too?

The Matrix (1999)

File this next to Clueless in the ‘90s films that are just so ridiculously of their time they’ve actually become timeless’ cabinet, please. The Matrix is a perfect film, that came straight from the hearts and minds of the Wachowskis. If they’re not directly involved (as writer/directors), we’re just not interested.

Reboot writer Zak Penn is being a bit defensive about the whole thing. “When it came out about Matrix, people were like ‘Oh no, they’re going to reboot Matrix’ I was like, why, I’m not insane. I mean, The Matrix is still one of my favourites… they’d re-release The Matrix and people would go see it.”

That’s kind of the point though, Zak. Just re-release the original, and we’ll go see it.

The Seven Samurai (1954)

Woooooah boy. One of the most influential films of all time, which also regularly pops up at the top of every critic’s best movies ever lists is being remade by the dude behind… Gulliver’s Travels and the Goosebumps movie. Yep, Rob Letterman is wielding the sword behind the first direct remake of the movie that directly inspired everything from The Magnificent Seven to A Bug’s Life.

And there’s a good reason that people have only attempted to remake this film under a completely different concept / title, it’s untouchable. But, yeah, the guy who made A Shark’s Tale is going to give it a go, so we’re sure it’ll be fine.

Starship Troopers (1997)

Like so many other movies on this list, Starship Troopers is the work of a visionary director who left their mark so indelibly on the source material, it’s hard to imagine a take from anyone else working. Especially in this instance, where there are actually FIVE Starship Troopers movies, which means there are four Starship Troopers movies you haven’t seen.

But, hey, the new one is being written by Mark Swift and Damian Shannon, the duo behind the Baywatch movie, what could possibly go wrong?


Read more
Remake of 90s teen classic ‘Clueless’ in the pipeline
Anya Taylor-Joy To Star In ‘Emma’
Classic movies that will NEVER be remade