The Six Most Ridiculous Star Wars: Episode VIII Rumours


You’d think Star Wars aficionados would have enough on their plates worrying about whether ‘Rogue One: A Star Wars Story’ is going to wind up being darker than a ‘dining in the dark’ dinner date with Darth Vader. But the fan theories and supposed script leaks haven’t stopped coming since Rian Johnson began shooting ‘Star Wars: Episode VIII’ in February, and we’ve still got nearly 18 months to go until the movie’s December 2017 release date. Here are a few of the more outlandish examples we found by keeping our ears to the ground in that wretched hive of scum and villainy otherwise known as the internet.

Rey is the reincarnation of Anakin Skywalker


If Rian Johnson and his team are looking for a plot twist to match up to Darth Vader’s heart-stopping shocker from 1980’s ‘Empire Strikes Back’, they could do worse than borrow this little nugget from Reddit user LouEvilOne. Back in April, the Star Wars fan claimed to have read a script featuring the revelation that Rey is the reincarnation of Vader, presumably resulting in a conversation with Luke Skywalker that ends with the completely preposterous line: “No Rey, you are my father”. Argh.

Probability: 5/10. It would explain why Rey is so powerful with the Force, but might also have fans weeping into their popcorn.

Luke Skywalker has all-new Force powers

If you thought Zebedee Yoda in the prequels was cool (no, us neither) wait ‘til you see what the veteran Jedi knight can do these days. This one suggests that Luke will de-assemble the green and blue lightsabers belonging to himself and Rey using only his mind in order to explain the secrets of the crystals that power them.

Probability: 6/10. Not inconceivable, but do we really care all that much about the inner workings of magic laser swords?

Snoke is a ghost


The nutty second cousin, twice removed of the “Snoke is really Emperor Palpatine” and “Snoke is actually obscure Expanded Universe villain Darth Plagueis” theories. This one speculates that Andy Serkis’s First Order baddie-in-chief is really a Dark Side version of the benevolent Force Ghosts who are always popping up to offer sage advice to Luke Skywalker in the original trilogy. This would resolve the riddle of Snoke’s apparent huge size during scenes with Kylo Ren and General Hux in ‘The Force Awakens’. And might go some way to explaining away the nasty dent/scar that the freaky villain sports on his temple, which some have speculated might be the result of having had his skull turned into a lightsaber kebab in an earlier episode.

Probability: 4/10. He’s a hologram, dummy!

The Force all comes from a tree on a weird planet


According to Stormtrooper Larry, who reckons he’s got his hands on a leaked script, all that stuff about midichloreans in the prequels was total guff. In fact, Luke Skywalker will reveal in ‘Episode VIII’ that the Force all emanates from a magical tree on a remote planet where a brother and sister once travelled with their space-faring family. The tree gives both siblings strange powers, with the brother turning to the dark side (as the first ever Sith) and the sister shifting to the light (as the first Jedi). The brother is filled with rage (sound familiar?) and kills his sibling, but it’s okay because she comes back as part of the tree!

Probability: We’d like to say zero, as the script has actual spelling and grammar errors. Plus this sounds like a direct lift from ‘Game of Thrones’ and would surely have Obi-Wan Kenobi spinning in his Force-fuelled afterlife. But who knows? Maybe 2/10.

Phasma is a double agent for the Resistance


For a character who boasted the nattiest spacewear since that time in ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ when Worf the Klingon dressed up as Will Scarlet, Gwendoline Christie’s chrome-plated stormtrooper oberführer was left blind-sided an awful lot in ‘The Force Awakens’. First, her failure to discipline Finn on the spot for refusing to fire his space rifle at the Jakku villagers led directly to Poe Dameron getting off the First Order star destroyer in that thrilling early TIE fighter escape scene. Then she inexplicably allowed herself to be captured by her former subordinate and Han Solo on Starkiller Base, leading directly to the destruction of the First Order’s humongous planet-murdering superweapon by the Resistance. Loop in Christie’s fan favourite status, and you can see why some Star Wars fans are rooting for Phasma to be a goodie in disguise.

Probability: 6/10. Christie’s shift to the light side would certainly plug a lot of irritating plot holes from ‘The Force Awakens’.

Han Solo lives!


Beaming straight at you from planet Wishful Thinking comes this fan theory
that Harrison Ford’s wily space scoundrel might yet return for future instalments, despite having been stabbed through the gut by his son Kylo Ren in ‘The Force Awakens’. The idea here is that giant space shafts, such as the one Solo tumbles into following his final scene on Starkiller Base, are eminently survivable in the Star Wars universe. Luke Skywalker fell into one at the end of ‘Empire Strikes Back’, but got away with just the loss of a hand. And Maz Kanata even managed to retrieve the Jedi Knight’s lightsaber after it slipped into the abyss, perhaps hinting at the presence of scavengers out to make a fast buck from falling space debris in these types of environments. Moreover, a lightsaber wound would be automatically cauterised, so provided Ren didn’t hit any vital organs, Solo should be absolutely fine to continue despite the gaping hole in his belly.

Likelihood: 2/10. Ford has wanted Star Wars bosses to kill off the Corellian smuggler for more than three decades, and it would cost studio Disney an arm and a leg to bring him back for Episode VIII.

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Picture Credits: Disney/LucasFilm