Should actors grow moustaches?

Since the dawn of cinema, one question has plagued the male actor more than any other: “Will a moustache make me successful?”

You see in an industry all about attention seeking, nothing booms “remember my face” like sprouting a whacking great chunk of man fuzz from it, and carving it into perfection.

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But whilst the moustache is definitely the sign of a great character actor, it’s not without its drawbacks. Questionable attractiveness, accidental comedy value, endless grooming, even choosing a style in the first place (Hulk Hogan handlebar or Ron Burgundy bristles? Who can decide?) - these are the beasts an actor must slay if they are to master the moustache. But does it really make a difference at the box office?

So let’s tackle this tickler. We’re comparing some of the stars who’ve tinkered with both the bristles and the baby face, seeing which of their roles fared better. It’s time to settle the age old debate - does 'tache equal cash? - once and for all.

Sacha Baron Cohen
In 2006 the Ali G actor stormed into the box office in a mankini as spoof Kazakh reporter Borat Sagdiyev, sporting a gargantuan slug of facial hair. The ‘tache was the stuff of classic slapstick, a rival to Groucho Marx. Three years later when Sacha attempted to out-shock ‘Borat’ with baby-faced Austrian fashion journalist Bruno, the movie failed to give us the same giggle. Some critics claimed Baron Cohen had gone too far, but we think Bruno’s problems could have been solved with one solid Biker Mo.

Sean Connery
Sean Connery will always be the blueprint Bond. And, with the exceptions of Brosnan’s ‘Die Another Day’ bush and Craig’s fleeting designer ‘Skyfall’ stubble, Bond will always claim the most chiseled of clean shaven chops. After his 007 days though, Connery adopted some mighty impressive moustaches, in some less than impressive movies – think ‘Zardoz’ (if you have to), and the so-bad-it’s-good ‘Highlander’ series. But did Connery every bag an award for playing Bond? Nope. Did he pick up an Oscar touting a ‘tache? Yup. Best Supporting Actor for ‘The Untouchables’.

Will Ferrell
‘Anchorman’s’ Will Ferrell was the moustachioed king of classy as cult San Diego news anchor Ron Burgundy – proving the character’s own ideal that few things in life are better than good hair. But Ferrell has never had a hit to equal it. Of course there’s ‘Step Brothers,’ and instant Christmas classic ‘Elf’, but the baby-faced likes of ‘Blade Of Glory’ and the just bad ‘Semi-Pro’ are a hairless smudge on his career CV. Nothing can compare to that ‘Anchorman’ moustache.

Dustin Hoffman
Dustin Hoffman is the blueprint character actors, and blessed with an endearing, Oscar winning face. But, when the ‘Graduate’ star decided to cultivate some delicate upper-lip wear for Steven Spielberg’s Peter Pan revisit, ‘Hook’, he flew in the face of the ‘tache touting trend. Despite being a financial success, ‘Hook’ was branded a critical flop (even Spielberg didn’t like it), and Hoffman himself became a target for many a pointed finger. On paper, a moustachioed Dustin is character acting gold, but on film… it was just silly.

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Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise with a ‘tache is guaranteed unease. No know knows why, it’s just weird. The owner of Hollywood’s most wax-work-ish mug, his colossal CV includes the chiseled-chin likes of ‘Top Gun’, ‘Rain Man’, ‘War Of The Worlds’ and the hard-to-kill money-magnet ‘Mission Impossible’ series. But, if you had to pick just one of the Cruser’s almost 40 film big back catalogue as a career best, it would be in the moustachioed ‘Born On The Fourth Of July’. Oliver Stone’s brutal retelling of Vietnam vet turned anti-war activist Ron Kovic’s tale bagged the ‘tache touting Tom a Golden Globe award, and his first ever Oscar nod. It was the moustache that announced to the world “Look, I’m a serious actor now.”

Charlie Chaplin
Before a certain Adolf Hitler made having a toothbrush moustache look ridiculous; Charlie Chaplin made having a toothbrush ‘tache look… well, ridiculous. The movie legend’s upper-lip fluff was an integral part of his iconic Tramp act – an impressive achievement for any piece of hair. Chaplin even parodied his accidental resemblance to Hitler in the highly politicised 1940 satire ‘The Great Dictator’. But, in 1952 the then ageing actor ditched the ‘tache and released ‘Limelight’ - a heartfelt semi-autobiographical account of his life, and a genuine forgotten gem. But, ask yourself this: which do you remember most? The ‘tache fronting Tramp, or the clean-shaven masterpiece?

Steve Martin
Looking for a bankable comedy star in the mid 80s? Steve Martin was your man. Think ‘Roxanne’, or ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles’.’ But, if there was any doubt by 2006 that Steve Martin – in the words of Dennis Pennis – was “not funny anymore”, the nail in the comedy coffin came with the un-asked for ‘Pink Panther’ reboot. The ‘tache required to take on Peter Sellers’ iconic Inspector Jacques Clouseau was genuinely distracting, and seemed like a feature length joke at Martin’s expense. Interestingly though, the movie is actually his most financially successful to date. Still, the critics hated it (and the 2009 sequel), and Martin has barely surfaced since.

Tom Selleck
The ‘tache to rule them all. “Tom Selleck” should be a by-word for “ruddy great moustache”. The ‘Magnum, P.I.’ star’s facial hair is perhaps more famous than the man himself, and a genuine real-life lady-magnet. The bristled beast  has bagged some slick roles along the way, like classic 80s comedy ‘Three Men And A Baby’ (weirdly directed by Leonard Nimoy), Aussie Western ‘Quigley Down Under’, and a whole five years worth of cameo appearances as Monica’s on/off love-interest in ‘Friends’. But the last time Selleck properly stepped out sans-tache (and totally unrecognisable) was 1992’s best forgotten comedy ‘Folks!’ – which earned him a Golden Razzie nom for Worst Actor. Take the hint Tom: Never shave again.